Letter to Toronto
Maddie,
stop apologizing for your inquisitive nature, I'm well aware you are self conscience of it. Your curious nature is not a fault, though I am beginning to see the fault of self aware, even in my own life.
The why. Lately life just seems like such bullshit, listening to two women on the train last night. They talked non-stop, total strangers, they didn't talk to listen, they talked to talk to themselves, interrupting the other, out vocalizing. I was getting sick and I should have moved. Is it true that people have lost the ability to communicate? Have they ever really communicated? I am loosing my head over here, wishing to find the words for meaning, just to hear my own self gabbing away on the LIRR.
My sister told me she knew about the paths she takes go in circles, and when she passes something she'd seen before, she turns, if she did not like the previous outcome. The mathematical equation of this "turn" is what's interesting to me.
Tell me I am wrong, I am enjoying this dialog immensely! Do you not see friends, yourself, the woman on the train, spinning in circles? And if it is the laws of nature that influence me so much, how could I not see these ellipses. (Copernicus) What is it we revolve around, what is the force?
This is the "why", I was telling you about. The pessimist. Why write, why play, WHY SPEAK, Why happy, why sad, why scared, shall I go on? Why Love, not hate? Why lie, Why blue? I am a five year old, I am a solar system 14 light years beyond the galaxy, looking at my own home, the Milky way. Stepped back, uninvolved, yet totally human, aware that every soul experience has been explored. Why truth? How truth? Why do I have to start all over? That the wisdom of my elders only rubs me like thumb, ash, forehead. Why can't this be genetically implanted, some would call this past lives, but I am far to pessimistic to even believe that.
... There is truth to silence. I've torn down every wall hanging, removed the furniture. Now the minimalist is seeking comfort.
fear is distraction.
I am not scared.