First. The surface is seen, a year is past and there is no new/other explanation for sunshine, or air or breath. I’m just a being, and this is my experience.
I call my sister. To look with my ear. to ask.
We are a family of much affection, just not in moments of intense trauma. In trauma we look in on ourselves and make monsters bigger. We make things bigger, because we’re giants. Then we protect each other from them. Or maybe we just wait to clean the house when it’s dirty. This is my family.

My ego took on the responsibility of understanding what happened last year.
(-So, If I don’t place myself into the situation, there is no I.--argument-this doesn’t register, I’m still affected.) I’ll be feeding my monster at sunrise tomorrow. I’ll wake up early and think about things, like I did this morning when the mosquitoes bit me awake and the sun just lifted the Oakland hills just as they do everyday.

I go to work.
Describing stomach pains to a doctor is a lot like writing this. I know me, I wrestle with psychosomatic soccer injuries from the 4th grade. When a tarp covered truck passes blowing fine white dust, I hold my breath. But sometimes, sometimes I suppress something that really hurts.
The job site overlooked all of Piedmont, which is Oakland, the bay and south west of San Francisco. It’s a good view, if you like that sort of thing, especially topographically. The sun was really intense.
There was a house fire near by. It was filling the sky pretty fast. I watch, I’m not thinking, so, Yeah, okay, let’s go over to investigate. I don’t want to build this fucking deck in the sun anyway. We approach the fire trucks and the hoses and the smoke. The neighbors are looking at me. What the fuck am I doing here? I don’t do this. She asks if I want to go around the other way to get a better look. Sick to my stomach I say no. We go back to the deck site. Planes fly low over head, the ones that drop water, I recognized them from some, something. The helicopters, were coming and going above too. The sirens. The sirens made my heart ache and suddenly I could see what I’d been looking as. (Very strange I had to hear it first)

I’m not quite sure how I am supposed to be taking this. This raw upset feeling is very confusing without the mass hysteria to block the senses and force feed headline news. Coincidence is usually like this. I'm watching the smoke of a fire I'd seen on 5th avenue, I’m covered in mosquito bites, the sun is hot, there is a fire on the hill, I’m drinking red bull. Is this my body testing her immune system? Here press all these buttons at once. See that’s funny. See the little steam and spittle? Or maybe it’s just me noticing defenses are low and the only time I can really appreciate the suggestion is when the rest of the world is reflecting my inner chaos. But if it is God speaking to me, or some red flag for my own good, well then.