One of the worst things I could have done is to start this blog.
It's no offense to you darlings.
It is not in my nature to control my own climate. But I've said this all along. So you know this.

I quit smoking three months ago; it is still the hardest thing for me. I thought it would change me. I'm trying to change. Change the bigger picture you know. I quit smoking because I'd been smoking longer then I hadn't and I won't start because if I do, I’ll never quit again. Trust me I ache for it. For all of you who still smoke. Imagine wanting to be understood deeply. To be focused upon most intently, momentarily, and then realize it is you who do this for yourself. I’d certainly discovered a method of allowing this for myself, and it was one draw at a time, and some times governments pushed me out of doors, but still I drew and it felt good and it was always for myself. Imagine taking the danger out of this. This sounds liberating but it's not, it’s actually impossible. I only came this far with myself because I spent this much time alone withmyself to begin with. I see images of people smoking; while they are painting, or reading or just sitting and I envy each inhale.
So now I am alone with myself, in a way I am unfamiliar. I can't even hit the fire escape after work to put a pause on the evening before the night. An alone I've made to make room for more change, which is supposed to change me. Or something. Whatever. Anyway. It's all bull shit, so don't even think about smoking, because you're not going to.
I'm on the pill.
I should have been warned; putting the two of these together creates an insomniac. A really energetic one. I stopped eating well just to try to keep the usual pace, but other wise I'm at top speed. Half my life, I've never felt so good. See I knew this was going to happen, see, I had these wings I wasn't going to tell you about. Fuck. Did you know my dog can out run a hare? He'd never let the Rottweiler know, but I've paced him with my horse. I know. Who else in this world would rather stay grounded and not test wind? And that's why I shouldn’t write.
I remind myself.
Hey baby, remember when Willie Coyote chases after the Roadrunner riding one of his new ACME contraptions? He's almost caught that Roadrunner, bane of all. His terrible chicken is arms reach, but then he looks down and *thupt thupt* he sees he's above a canyon so he falls. Remember being all pissed off when he saw this, because if he'd only kept his eye on the prize it wouldn't have mattered, he'd have flown across the canyon and not known it and finally caught that stupid bird.

Whatever, I am tired and drunk, and mildly confused. And I don’t mean the part about not telling you everything, and how better off I’d be, because I can’t blame you for all my shitty writing, haha.